Thursday, September 29, 2005

First Bush Family Member Enlists In The U.S. Armed Forces. Could Eventually Fight In Iraq.


MUSTANG PRARIE, TEXAS--President George W. Bush's cousin became the first Bush family member to volunteer for the Iraq war.

Early this morning, Jacob "Jake" P. Bush, the President's second cousin, enlisted in the Marine Corps at his local Texas recruiting station.

"He's a determined fellow," said Niles Bush, Jacob's father. "I'm surprised, and a little overwhelmed, but very proud, certainly."

In Washington, the Bush administration was guarded in their response.

"The president is pleased and honored that Jake will serve his country, but he does not wish to politicize [the enlistment] simply to counter recent criticism," said White House press secretary Scott McClellan, in a prepared statement.

McClellan is referring to dissenting groups such as Operation Yellow Elephant who have reproved the president because no members of his family are fighting in the Iraq war.

So far, Jacob Bush has refused comment, but his father thinks his son took exception to the criticism. "He didn't like it," said Bush. "I think he wanted to make a statement."

Four-year-old Jacob will start boot camp in 2019.







©2005 zombieH


Tuesday, September 27, 2005

New JFK Book Sheds Light On Prostitutes


A new biography of John F. Kennedy asserts that the president's sexual indiscretions were the rule, not the exception, during his brief administration.

"If I don't have a woman for three days, I get a headache," Kennedy confided in British prime minister Harold Macmillan, during a luncheon.

"[He spent] half his time thinking about adultery," Macmillan frowned.

John F. Kennedy: A Biography (Thomas Dunne Books. St. Martin's Press. 2005) is historian Michael O'Brien's offering to the surfeit of JFK histories.

Armed with newly-released documents from the JFK Presidential Library, O'Brien portrays an unhappily-married, yet fun-loving, JFK hosting regular nude pool parties with "Fiddle and Faddle," two young white house employees, and partying with prostitutes while on the road.

Throughout it all, the befuddled secret service, accustomed to the previous, low-key, Eisenhower administration, was sent scurrying.

"These girls are for the presidential suite," barked a Seattle sheriff to secret service agent Larry Newman, pushing hookers past the security barricade.

"We didn't know if these women were carrying listening devices," Newman recounted, "if they had syringes that carried some type of poison, or if they had Pentax cameras that would photograph the President for blackmail."

Remarkably, the president's sexual drive was not in the least hampered by his exceptionally poor health, complicated by Addison's disease and crippling back pain.

Reaction to the 971-page John F. Kennedy: A Biography has varied.

"There is no new news here," says Jonathan Lester, chief spokesperson for Americans For Biblical Decency. "Kennedy was a benchmark for the reckless immorality of the Democratic party and the secular culture at large."

"The allegations are typical, cynical, straw man politics," counters Marion Duhnlow, research fellow at the Wilson Institute, "Navigate the public away from Kennedy's accomplishments in civil rights, the peace corps and the cold war, and focus on the mundane, the sexual."

Traditionally declining comment on such matters, Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Massachusetts) rose swiftly to his brother's defense. "Listen, it's not like all those broads weren't well compensated," he said.







©2005 zombieH

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

John Hinckley No Longer Insane, Ready To Go Home. Nancy Reagan Not Happy.


Two decades after John Hinckley nearly assassinated President Ronald Reagan, government psychiatrists have testified that the mental patient is ready for release.

According to Dr. Robert Keisling, Hinckley's only remaining problem is that he cannot hook up with women at a state hospital.

"Do we call that normal?" Hinckley's attorney inquired.

"I would," Keisling affirmed.

Twenty-four years ago, on that fateful early-spring morning in 1981, Ronald Reagan had been in office for seventy days.

Exiting the Washington Hilton after a speech to organized labor, the president paused for a final wave outside his limo.

Fifteen feet away, John Hinckley dropped to a marksmen's pose and opened fire with his, recently-purchased, .22 German pistol.

The first of six exploding Devastator bullets ripped into the head of press secretary James Brady.

The second dropped policeman Thomas Delahanty.

The third and fifth went wild.

The fourth hit self-sacrificing secret service agent Timothy McCarthy in the chest.

The final slug tore into the President's lung, stopping inches from his heart.

At the hospital, Reagan nearly bled to death. Doctors saved his life on the operating table, but the commander-in-chief lost half of his blood supply in the process.

In 2005, Hinckley's psychiatrists testify that he has no symptoms of mental illness. The preceding judge must rule if Hinckley should be released to his parents' supervision.

Reached for comment, former first lady Nancy Reagan said, "If that mother****** is ever set free, I'll blast a hole in his ass the size of Libya. And I'll go Katrina on every Hinckley in the ***damned planet!"






Photo of Nancy Reagan courtesy of Richard La Fond at La Fond Photography
http://www.lafondphotography.com/gallery/hollywood/

©2005 zombieH

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Pope John Paul's Final Words

Gasping for breath, Pope John Paul II croaked in his native Polish, "Let me go to the house of the Father." Six hours later, he was dead.

The venerable pontiff's final words were disclosed in a 220-page report, released this past weekend by the Vatican, in a rare nod to freedom of information.

Surprisingly, the report highlights the Pope's rather mundane next-to-last words, as well.

"This was a great holy man, a saint, the father to believers world-wide!" emphasized a Vatican official, speaking on condition of anonymity. "So what if he balanced the sacred with the profane in his dying hour. He was in immense pain as he prepared for Jacob's bosom!"

"Christ mercy," groused John Paul II at one point in the report, "Only the Roman cooks could screw up Polish food so badly! Not one half-chewable perogi in 25 years!"

"And the Barszcz tasted like it squirted from a dog," he moaned,

The weakened Pontiff added: "The Romans...the Romans. My hemorrhoids were more serviceable!"

When contacted, Pope Benedict XVI, who has ordered a fast track for John Paul's sainthood candidacy, declined comment.






©2005 zombieH

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Memo To Jim Buss


To: Jim Buss, vice president of player personnel/alternate governor, Los Angeles Lakers
From: zombieH, budding public relations agent
Date: August 27, 2005
RE: Your Recent Press Conference

As a public relations agent representing the firm
Don't Swallow Your Whole Foot ™, I'm delighted to submit feedback about your recent press conference. Again, I thank your father and the entire Laker organization for intrusting our firm to guide you during these formative years of executive grooming.

Before I get to the nitty-gritty, let me reiterate that our firm recognizes the Laker organization's concern in the days, hours and minutes preceding your appointment with the L.A. press corps. Surely, none of us need to rehash the last time (what 7 years ago?) live microphones were thrust in your face--since referred to, rather doggedly, as "the incident" within the Laker organization.

All of us know that you didn't mean to imply, at the time, that most NBA scouts, such as your superiors Jerry West or Mitch Kupchak, were as savvy as tree monkeys in the zoo. The media distorted everything you said, which is something they do--hence the need for professionals like
Don't Swallow Your Whole Foot ™.

Essentially, I believe your recent press conference concluded satisfactorily. As Chick Hearn used to say, there was no foul, no call, no blood, no ambulance. True, in the aftermath your father, sister, brother, Mitch, Phil, and Magic left us a series of detailed voice mails--really lit the fire under us--but that doesn't mean that your media venture was another disaster.

Anyway, to start with the positives, you certainly came across as less arrogant this time around, and I could tell that you took to heart our mantra of "don't stumble, be humble." Glad to see you studied those DVD's of the Andy Griffith Show I sent your way, for your use of "Holy Cow!" to feign surprise about your sister dating Coach Phil was very endearing, very Lake Wobegone. Average Joe Americans like that sort of thing!

Now to move to the constructive criticism part. Regretfully, you piped up about, oh...how should I put this, well...your father's eventual demise. I believe you were trying to make the point, as we coached you, that the decision-making buck, obviously, stops with your father. But then you ad-libbed that you considered this true only in regards to
major decisions, and only until he dropped dead.

This one's easy. In future, refrain from underscoring your dad's mortality. You see, empire-builders like him don't like to think about stuff like that. In fact, your father's penchant for dating one Playboy bunny after another is probably a sign that he really, really likes it here on earth and does not wish to entertain the notion of it all ending just like that with a snap of the fingers.

Plus, bringing up the whole, um... "eath-day" thing might make you appear too eager.

Also, while you were emphasizing consulting your father on what you called major, not minor, decisions, you said, “
[by major decisions] I'm not talking about [the recently signed] Aaron McKie. . . .that kind of decision [my father] doesn't have to make.”

Well, all of us here at
Don't Swallow Your Whole Foot ™ realize that you weren’t intentionally dissing Aaron Mckie, and certainly Mr. McKie is professional enough to realize this.

However, his agent took exception to the comment, and you know how agents are paid to get all riled up and make threats that they don’t really mean—stir the pot up good. Whether or not Mckie would now rather play for another team is hard to substantiate, but your father, Mitch and Phil are concerned about being forced to start Sasha Vujacic at point guard this upcoming season, what with his 1.5 assists/game average and poor summer league play. Therefore, I recommend that you start saying to anyone who will listen that this week's signing of Mckie is one of the greatest acquisitions in Laker history—right up there with Mikan, Wilt, Kareem and Magic.

A few more suggestions: You spoke of your willingness to take your dad’s place on all those NBA committees, saying, “
that's where I need to try to get. If I can get to that spot where the commissioner is comfortable with me on the committees, I think my dad will really back down a lot." (Bold font my emphasis).

Next time, try something more upbeat, such as “…then my dad will be free to concentrate more on [fill-in-the-blank-with-something-professional-sounding].” For "
Back down a lot" has a harsh ring, as if you were referring to an old Grizzly forced into submission by an upstart bear.

Lastly, in speaking of Phil Jackson, you said:
“But when it comes to the professional side, I'm professional about it. If I don't like what [Phil Jackson's] doing, I'm going to let him know. But that's professional. It has nothing to do with the personal side. And if I like what he's doing, I'm going to tell him about that too.”

Well, a basic rule for nurturing mutual trust is to start with the positive before the negative. If you notice, that’s what I did in this memo. So, next time reverse the order of things and then lightly mention that in the far-fetched chance Phil would ever do anything wrong you would be there to
interact with him. That way, Coach Jackson might not feel the need to leave pointed voicemails at the offices of Don't Swallow Your Whole Foot ™ about his ten championship rings and how he “craps bigger than Jimmy Buss.”

That’s it for now. Everything said, you are making progress, and I am confident that your next press conference seven or eight years from now will prove ever more successful.

Sincerely,






p.s. I would really like to buy you a drink sometime and talk to you about horses, which is something I understand you really know a lot about. I'm just interested in win, place and show type stuff.

Photo of Jim Buss by Lori Shepler, Los Angeles Times. August 23, 2005

©2005 zombieH