Pope John Paul's Final Words

Gasping for breath, Pope John Paul II croaked in his native Polish, "Let me go to the house of the Father." Six hours later, he was dead.

The venerable pontiff's final words were disclosed in a 220-page report, released this past weekend by the Vatican, in a rare nod to freedom of information.

Surprisingly, the report highlights the Pope's rather mundane next-to-last words, as well.

"This was a great holy man, a saint, the father to believers world-wide!" emphasized a Vatican official, speaking on condition of anonymity. "So what if he balanced the sacred with the profane in his dying hour. He was in immense pain as he prepared for Jacob's bosom!"

"Christ mercy," groused John Paul II at one point in the report, "Only the Roman cooks could screw up Polish food so badly! Not one half-chewable perogi in 25 years!"

"And the Barszcz tasted like it squirted from a dog," he moaned,

The weakened Pontiff added: "The Romans...the Romans. My hemorrhoids were more serviceable!"

When contacted, Pope Benedict XVI, who has ordered a fast track for John Paul's sainthood candidacy, declined comment.






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