Thursday, November 24, 2005

Florida Middle School Teacher Cops Plea for Sex with Student. Judge Gives Hell To 15-year-old "Stool Pigeon."

TAMPA, FL--Middle school teacher and model Debra Lafave was sentenced to three years of house arrest and ordered to register as a sex offender after she pled guilty to engaging in sexual relations with a 14-year old male pupil.

25-year old Lafave escaped prison after the minor's family, wishing to avoid an emotionally-scarring trial, accepted her attorney's 11th hour plea bargain offer.

Lafave, a self-professed unhappy newlywed, met her student-victim at a flag football game at school. She eventually had sex with him in the classroom, at her home and, on more than one occasion, in the back seat of a car driven by the victim's 15-year old cousin.

When the cousin told what he'd seen to his mother, Lafave was swiftly arrested, and the ensuing scandal rocked the Tampa community and the nation, at large.

In Tuesday's hearing, the judge sharply rebuked Lafave before prounouncing sentence, but he saved his harshest words for the victim's 15-year old cousin who first brought the matter to light.

"What's the matter with you?" barked the judge to the boy. "Didn't you get that Christmas had come early for your friend?"

The judge sentenced the surprised teenager to 100 hours of community service, but stipulated nothing easy "like planting flowers or sweeping up."

"I want you digging latrines!" he snapped.

copyright 2005 zombieH

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Warren Beatty Keeps It In His Pants. Political Future Wide Open.

LOS ANGELES, CA--Warren Beatty recently informed his inner circle that he was serious about running for political office in 2006. The Oscar winning actor/director received enthusiastic feedback, in response.

Well, mostly enthusiastic.

A long-time friend had reservations. "I pulled Warren aside," says "X," speaking on the condition of anonymity, "and reminded him that he's shtuped every woman on the planet. That's serious baggage for a would-be governor."

Beatty was defensive, at first.

"He didn't want to hear it," says X. "He argued he had nurtured a respectable public image, that he'd been awarded a Kennedy Center medal, that he now gave commencement addresses."

X's response? "I just kept saying 'Clinton! Clinton! Clinton!' until he shut up. Then I told him the media would crucify him unless he figured out a way to keep the little commando in his pants."

Beatty reluctantly agreed, but he didn't know how to solve his problem. That's when PhalluStrict entered the picture.

Brand new to the U.S. market, PhalluStrict is an adaptable receptacle that attaches inside a man's inseam. A client simply inserts the source of his trouble into PhalluStrict's patent-pending vacuum-seal and he is securely, yet comfortably, fastened in place.

"Quite literally, he cannot get out of his pants," says PhalluStrict creator Dr. Richard Wherli. "That is, until the vacuum-seal is released at the end of the day by a digital password typically entrusted to an agreeable associate."

Beatty was skeptical at first, but when Dr. Wherli informed him that other high profile men were already clients, he agreed to try the product out. His wife Annette Bening was incredibly supportive, even volunteering to be his personal "password-keeper."

The results have been amazing.

"I've never seen Warren so focused," says "X." "The other night, I caught him chatting up a young, attractive MoveOn intern, but when I snooped a bit he was just analyzing political strategy. He didn't try to get her email address, phone number, nothing. It was extraordinary!"

Adds "X," "If I ever get serious about anything, I'll definitely invest in PhalluStrict!"

©2005 zombieH

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Latrell Sprewell Can Finally Feed His Family

MINNEAPOLIS, MN--A year ago, NBA star Latrell "Spree" Sprewell rejected what he deemed a lowball $21 million, 3 year contract extension from the Minnesota Timberwolves. "I've got my family to feed," the 34-year old guard quipped to the media.

Sprewell's notorious remark set off a media firestorm. While some claimed he was misunderstood, most critics lambasted the 6' 5" guard, who was once suspended a year for choking his coach, as yet another obnoxious, overpaid, out-of-touch, professional athlete.

Not so, says Sprewell today. "I'd just never heard of Costco. That changed everything. Now I'd grab all that money [the Timberwolves] offered me in a heartbeat!"

According to Sprewell, it was Los Angeles Lakers' star Kobe Bryant who introduced him to the nation-wide discount superstore. "When Kobe thought he was going to jail last year, he downsized. That's when he hit on Costco. When me and him were coolin' it this summer he let me in on it."

Sprewell is excited by all that he can now afford. "I can buy a s***load at Costco. They got those Harry and David hams for 60 bucks, 2000 Clos Des Prince Bordeaux for just 30 a bottle, and prime rib eye for only 12 a pound. It's a bitch that the Gold Star Membership sets you back $45 a year, but that's the give and take."

Though a new NBA season commenced last week, Sprewell remains at home--an unrestricted free agent with no contract offers from other teams. According to Spree, this simply allows him the opportunity to discover other price-slashing enterprises. "Don't even get me started on this place called Wal-Mart," he says.

©2005 zombieH

COSTCO...from the cradle to the GRAVE

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Valium-Woozy Cheney To Press: "What Gives?"

WASHINGTON D.C. -- "Is this D.C. or Disneyland?" said Vice President Dick Cheney to reporters during an impromptu press conference at George Washington University Hospital.

Admittedly impaired after yet another balloon valvuloplasty heart procedure, Cheney blasted the media and his political detractors for making, as he put it, "such a big deal about this Valerie Plame thing."

"This may be the Valium talking, but since when is political payback god**** newsworthy around here?" the vice-president said.

Cheney's words follow a rough political week in which the vice-president's chief-of-staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, was indicted on four criminal counts of false statements and perjury related to the leaking of Valerie Plame's covert CIA status to the media.

Members of the Bush administration, specifically Libby, Karl Rove, and, possibly, the vice president, himself, are suspected of deliberately sabotaging Plame's career to retaliate against her husband's (Ambassador Joe Wilson's) public critique of President Bush's rationale for the Iraq war.

"Nice dogs don't hunt," Cheney continued. "As Machiavelli wrote, 'they pull a knife, you pull a gun. They send one of yours to the hospital, you send one of theirs to the morgue. That's the Chicago way.'"

Informed by reporters that this was a Sean Connery line from the gangland classic "The Untouchables," not Machiavelli, Cheney scowled "I'll see you all in hell," and abruptly ended the press conference.

Reached for comment at the ninth hole of the Newport National Golf Club, President Bush, said, "Vice-president Cheney is one of the loyalist Americans, a talented patriot. A real personal friend."

©2005 zombieH

Sunday, October 16, 2005


Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Bush Morphs Into Monkey Before Stunned Press Corps. Doctors Blame New Primatial Influenza.

WASHINGTON, DC--In an astonishing turn of events, President Bush was struck by a new, highly virulent, primate flu while reading an afternoon statement to the Washington press corps.

Within seconds, the president transmogrified into a black and white colobus monkey. Reporters gasped. Photojournalists fired away.

"What?" Bush said.

Secret Service agents whisked the commander-in-chief away as the press corps erupted.

"I've never witnessed anything like it," said Helen Thomas, of Hearst News Service. "Though I had a poor vantage point, Bush suddenly sprouted fur and slumped a bit. He didn't appear to be in any pain, however."

After several minutes, a pale White House press secretary Scott McClellan came to the podium. "The president is okay," he announced. "He's resting. He's asked for fruit."

According to U.S. Health and Human Services secretary Mike Leavitt, Bush is the first American to be infected by H4N1 primatial influenza, e.g. the "monkey flu."

"We didn't even know [this flu] existed until last week," says Leavitt. "Like the rest of the world, we have been so busy preparing to battle the lethal avian influenza (bird flu), which could kill millions of American citizens, that this one slipped in under the door."

World Health Organization officials say that the monkey flu has astonishing symptoms, yet is not fatal and easily cured with a ready vaccine. "President Bush was quickly treated," says Dr. Margaret Chan, assistant director-general for communicable diseases. "Though he won't regain his human form for another 48 hours, he can go about his work day."

Chan warned that others may not be so fortunate. "Similar to the avian influenza, the U.S does not have enough monkey flu vaccines to treat a potential panemic in America. We're seriously scrambling, these days."

After a short rest, the president was back on his feet and on route to a closed-door budget strategy session with cabinet members.

"It's business as usual here," affirmed vice-president Dick Cheney, in transit.

©2005 zombieH

Townshend To Fuller

And now for a quick break from the usual news...

I call this image "Townshend To Fuller." I made it by experimenting with MorpfX to morph the images of Pete Townshend (circa 1982) and Rachel Fuller (2004). Then I cropped, polished, and further distorted in PowerPoint, iPhoto, and Adobe Photoshop. I find the final result to be strange and beautiful--everything done with no planning, no agenda.

btw, Townshend and Fuller, both musicians, are a romantic couple. They are also bloggers. To access, click on the links:

Rachel Fuller's Blog

Pete Townshend's Blog

I'm a writer, not a visual artist, so this project was a nice change of pace.

Apologies to the original photographers (and to the subjects themselves, what with their elegant faces).

©2005 zombieH

Friday, October 07, 2005

Pope Benedict Says New Gay Priests Are OK. Gay Priest Hopefuls Cry Foul.

THE VATICAN--Pope Benedict XVI now welcomes gay men into the priesthood if the candidates can prove they have been celibate for at least three years.

Additionally, gay candidates must not "publicly manifest their homosexuality" nor show an "overwhelming attraction" to homosexual culture."

Benedict's ruling went into effect yesterday. Already, openly gay candidates have voiced concerns.

"They're still not letting me in," claims one young man from New York City who requested anonymity. "I did the interview, jumped through all the hoops, really bared my soul. They still showed me the door."

The young man even presented his review panel with a signed, notarized statement from his boyfriend. "He verified that I didn't let him touch me for three whole years. [The panel] still demanded more evidence!"

The church rejected his application but welcomed him to reapply in a year.

Acknowledging the challenge of another 12 months of chastity, the young man expressed more concern about the third papal condition: i.e. not showing an "overwhelming attraction" to homosexual culture."

"I am not giving up my opera seats," he said.

©2005 zombieH

Monday, October 03, 2005

Roy's Walking Again. Alleged Mauler Grows Impatient.

LAS VEGAS - The return of Siegfried & Roy may be inevitable, for Roy Horn can now shuffle short distances without assistance from a rolling walker.

"The magic is back," says Roy, 61, two years after a white tiger mauled him during a performance at the Mirage Hotel. Horn's injuries included a damaged neck artery, a crushed windpipe, and partial paralysis on his left side.

"I meditate a lot, but I am constantly in pain. I'm trying to live with this."

Horn said he is comforted by visiting his animals every week - including Montecore, the white tiger that nearly killed him on stage.

The alleged mauler's attorney had strong words for Horn, however.

"My client rots away in his cell, with no official charges filed, no trial scheduled, no jury of his peers," says Walter F. Banks. "It's an international travesty."

Banks claims that Horn, indeed, visits Montecore every week, but the image of a gentle Roy communing with his tiger is deceptive.

"It's all PR," says Banks. "In reality, my client's in orange jumpsuit and shackles. He's forced to wear one of those Hannibal Lector face masks, too."

"Roy dangles a big turkey drumstick in front of his nose, then snatches it back when Montecore makes a move for it. It's awful."

In a prepared statement, the suspect mauler states, "Two years ago, I was a world-class entertainer who lived for the stage. Now I'm just another U.S. political prisoner, without rights, dignity, or due process."

"I'm deeply disappointed, to say the least. Roy Horn better hope I never get out of here."

(c)2005 zombieH

Thursday, September 29, 2005

First Bush Family Member Enlists In The U.S. Armed Forces. Could Eventually Fight In Iraq.

MUSTANG PRARIE, TEXAS--President George W. Bush's cousin became the first Bush family member to volunteer for the Iraq war.

Early this morning, Jacob "Jake" P. Bush, the President's second cousin, enlisted in the Marine Corps at his local Texas recruiting station.

"He's a determined fellow," said Niles Bush, Jacob's father. "I'm surprised, and a little overwhelmed, but very proud, certainly."

In Washington, the Bush administration was guarded in their response.

"The president is pleased and honored that Jake will serve his country, but he does not wish to politicize [the enlistment] simply to counter recent criticism," said White House press secretary Scott McClellan, in a prepared statement.

McClellan is referring to dissenting groups such as Operation Yellow Elephant who have reproved the president because no members of his family are fighting in the Iraq war.

So far, Jacob Bush has refused comment, but his father thinks his son took exception to the criticism. "He didn't like it," said Bush. "I think he wanted to make a statement."

Four-year-old Jacob will start boot camp in 2019.

©2005 zombieH

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

New JFK Book Sheds Light On Prostitutes

A new biography of John F. Kennedy asserts that the president's sexual indiscretions were the rule, not the exception, during his brief administration.

"If I don't have a woman for three days, I get a headache," Kennedy confided in British prime minister Harold Macmillan, during a luncheon.

"[He spent] half his time thinking about adultery," Macmillan frowned.

John F. Kennedy: A Biography (Thomas Dunne Books. St. Martin's Press. 2005) is historian Michael O'Brien's offering to the surfeit of JFK histories.

Armed with newly-released documents from the JFK Presidential Library, O'Brien portrays an unhappily-married, yet fun-loving, JFK hosting regular nude pool parties with "Fiddle and Faddle," two young white house employees, and partying with prostitutes while on the road.

Throughout it all, the befuddled secret service, accustomed to the previous, low-key, Eisenhower administration, was sent scurrying.

"These girls are for the presidential suite," barked a Seattle sheriff to secret service agent Larry Newman, pushing hookers past the security barricade.

"We didn't know if these women were carrying listening devices," Newman recounted, "if they had syringes that carried some type of poison, or if they had Pentax cameras that would photograph the President for blackmail."

Remarkably, the president's sexual drive was not in the least hampered by his exceptionally poor health, complicated by Addison's disease and crippling back pain.

Reaction to the 971-page John F. Kennedy: A Biography has varied.

"There is no new news here," says Jonathan Lester, chief spokesperson for Americans For Biblical Decency. "Kennedy was a benchmark for the reckless immorality of the Democratic party and the secular culture at large."

"The allegations are typical, cynical, straw man politics," counters Marion Duhnlow, research fellow at the Wilson Institute, "Navigate the public away from Kennedy's accomplishments in civil rights, the peace corps and the cold war, and focus on the mundane, the sexual."

Traditionally declining comment on such matters, Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Massachusetts) rose swiftly to his brother's defense. "Listen, it's not like all those broads weren't well compensated," he said.

©2005 zombieH