Memo To Jim Buss

To: Jim Buss, vice president of player personnel/alternate governor, Los Angeles Lakers
From: zombieH, budding public relations agent
Date: August 27, 2005
RE: Your Recent Press Conference

As a public relations agent representing the firm Don't Swallow Your Whole Foot ™, I'm delighted to submit feedback about your recent press conference. Again, I thank your father and the entire Laker organization for intrusting our firm to guide you during these formative years of executive grooming.

Before I get to the nitty-gritty, let me reiterate that our firm recognizes the Laker organization's concern in the days, hours and minutes preceding your appointment with the L.A. press corps. Surely, none of us need to rehash the last time (what 7 years ago?) live microphones were thrust in your face--since referred to, rather doggedly, as "the incident" within the Laker organization.

All of us know that you didn't mean to imply, at the time, that most NBA scouts, such as your superiors Jerry West or Mitch Kupchak, were as savvy as tree monkeys in the zoo. The media distorted everything you said, which is something they do--hence the need for professionals like Don't Swallow Your Whole Foot ™.

Essentially, I believe your recent press conference concluded satisfactorily. As Chick Hearn used to say, there was no foul, no call, no blood, no ambulance. True, in the aftermath your father, sister, brother, Mitch, Phil, and Magic left us a series of detailed voice mails--really lit the fire under us--but that doesn't mean that your media venture was another disaster.

Anyway, to start with the positives, you certainly came across as less arrogant this time around, and I could tell that you took to heart our mantra of "don't stumble, be humble." Glad to see you studied those DVD's of the Andy Griffith Show I sent your way, for your use of "Holy Cow!" to feign surprise about your sister dating Coach Phil was very endearing, very Lake Wobegone. Average Joe Americans like that sort of thing!

Now to move to the constructive criticism part. Regretfully, you piped up about, oh...how should I put this, well...your father's eventual demise. I believe you were trying to make the point, as we coached you, that the decision-making buck, obviously, stops with your father. But then you ad-libbed that you considered this true only in regards to major decisions, and only until he dropped dead.

This one's easy. In future, refrain from underscoring your dad's mortality. You see, empire-builders like him don't like to think about stuff like that. In fact, your father's penchant for dating one Playboy bunny after another is probably a sign that he really, really likes it here on earth and does not wish to entertain the notion of it all ending just like that with a snap of the fingers.

Plus, bringing up the whole, um... "eath-day" thing might make you appear too eager.

Also, while you were emphasizing consulting your father on what you called major, not minor, decisions, you said, “[by major decisions] I'm not talking about [the recently signed] Aaron McKie. . . .that kind of decision [my father] doesn't have to make.”

Well, all of us here at Don't Swallow Your Whole Foot ™ realize that you weren’t intentionally dissing Aaron Mckie, and certainly Mr. McKie is professional enough to realize this.

However, his agent took exception to the comment, and you know how agents are paid to get all riled up and make threats that they don’t really mean—stir the pot up good. Whether or not Mckie would now rather play for another team is hard to substantiate, but your father, Mitch and Phil are concerned about being forced to start Sasha Vujacic at point guard this upcoming season, what with his 1.5 assists/game average and poor summer league play. Therefore, I recommend that you start saying to anyone who will listen that this week's signing of Mckie is one of the greatest acquisitions in Laker history—right up there with Mikan, Wilt, Kareem and Magic.

A few more suggestions: You spoke of your willingness to take your dad’s place on all those NBA committees, saying, “that's where I need to try to get. If I can get to that spot where the commissioner is comfortable with me on the committees, I think my dad will really back down a lot." (Bold font my emphasis).

Next time, try something more upbeat, such as “…then my dad will be free to concentrate more on [fill-in-the-blank-with-something-professional-sounding].” For "Back down a lot" has a harsh ring, as if you were referring to an old Grizzly forced into submission by an upstart bear.

Lastly, in speaking of Phil Jackson, you said: “But when it comes to the professional side, I'm professional about it. If I don't like what [Phil Jackson's] doing, I'm going to let him know. But that's professional. It has nothing to do with the personal side. And if I like what he's doing, I'm going to tell him about that too.”

Well, a basic rule for nurturing mutual trust is to start with the positive before the negative. If you notice, that’s what I did in this memo. So, next time reverse the order of things and then lightly mention that in the far-fetched chance Phil would ever do anything wrong you would be there to interact with him. That way, Coach Jackson might not feel the need to leave pointed voicemails at the offices of Don't Swallow Your Whole Foot ™ about his ten championship rings and how he “craps bigger than Jimmy Buss.”

That’s it for now. Everything said, you are making progress, and I am confident that your next press conference seven or eight years from now will prove ever more successful.

Sincerely,






p.s. I would really like to buy you a drink sometime and talk to you about horses, which is something I understand you really know a lot about. I'm just interested in win, place and show type stuff.

Photo of Jim Buss by Lori Shepler, Los Angeles Times. August 23, 2005

©2005 zombieH