Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Warren Beatty Keeps It In His Pants. Political Future Wide Open.

LOS ANGELES, CA--Warren Beatty recently informed his inner circle that he was serious about running for political office in 2006. The Oscar winning actor/director received enthusiastic feedback, in response.

Well, mostly enthusiastic.

A long-time friend had reservations. "I pulled Warren aside," says "X," speaking on the condition of anonymity, "and reminded him that he's shtuped every woman on the planet. That's serious baggage for a would-be governor."

Beatty was defensive, at first.

"He didn't want to hear it," says X. "He argued he had nurtured a respectable public image, that he'd been awarded a Kennedy Center medal, that he now gave commencement addresses."

X's response? "I just kept saying 'Clinton! Clinton! Clinton!' until he shut up. Then I told him the media would crucify him unless he figured out a way to keep the little commando in his pants."

Beatty reluctantly agreed, but he didn't know how to solve his problem. That's when PhalluStrict entered the picture.

Brand new to the U.S. market, PhalluStrict is an adaptable receptacle that attaches inside a man's inseam. A client simply inserts the source of his trouble into PhalluStrict's patent-pending vacuum-seal and he is securely, yet comfortably, fastened in place.

"Quite literally, he cannot get out of his pants," says PhalluStrict creator Dr. Richard Wherli. "That is, until the vacuum-seal is released at the end of the day by a digital password typically entrusted to an agreeable associate."

Beatty was skeptical at first, but when Dr. Wherli informed him that other high profile men were already clients, he agreed to try the product out. His wife Annette Bening was incredibly supportive, even volunteering to be his personal "password-keeper."

The results have been amazing.

"I've never seen Warren so focused," says "X." "The other night, I caught him chatting up a young, attractive MoveOn intern, but when I snooped a bit he was just analyzing political strategy. He didn't try to get her email address, phone number, nothing. It was extraordinary!"

Adds "X," "If I ever get serious about anything, I'll definitely invest in PhalluStrict!"


©2005 zombieH

2 Comments:

At 2:44 PM, November 18, 2005, Blogger Anne-Marie said...

A chastity belt for our modern times. Brilliant.

Cheers,
Anne-Marie

 
At 10:12 AM, November 19, 2005, Blogger Anne-Marie said...

Hi zombieH,

thanks for your kind words about my writing. I still have my vinyl copy of Eddie Money's first album. As a matter fact, we use it as a safe for our emergency back-up cash, in case we have a little blackout like we did in the summer of 2004. It's not a large amount, but it sure keep Eddie useful when he's not spinning on the turn-table. :)

Cheers,
Anne-Marie

 

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