Valium-Woozy Cheney To Press: "What Gives?"

WASHINGTON D.C. -- "Is this D.C. or Disneyland?" said Vice President Dick Cheney to reporters during an impromptu press conference at George Washington University Hospital.

Admittedly impaired after yet another balloon valvuloplasty heart procedure, Cheney blasted the media and his political detractors for making, as he put it, "such a big deal about this Valerie Plame thing."

"This may be the Valium talking, but since when is political payback god**** newsworthy around here?" the vice-president said.

Cheney's words follow a rough political week in which the vice-president's chief-of-staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, was indicted on four criminal counts of false statements and perjury related to the leaking of Valerie Plame's covert CIA status to the media.

Members of the Bush administration, specifically Libby, Karl Rove, and, possibly, the vice president, himself, are suspected of deliberately sabotaging Plame's career to retaliate against her husband's (Ambassador Joe Wilson's) public critique of President Bush's rationale for the Iraq war.

"Nice dogs don't hunt," Cheney continued. "As Machiavelli wrote, 'they pull a knife, you pull a gun. They send one of yours to the hospital, you send one of theirs to the morgue. That's the Chicago way.'"

Informed by reporters that this was a Sean Connery line from the gangland classic "The Untouchables," not Machiavelli, Cheney scowled "I'll see you all in hell," and abruptly ended the press conference.

Reached for comment at the ninth hole of the Newport National Golf Club, President Bush, said, "Vice-president Cheney is one of the loyalist Americans, a talented patriot. A real personal friend."


©2005 zombieH