Sunday, October 30, 2005

Valium-Woozy Cheney To Press: "What Gives?"


WASHINGTON D.C. -- "Is this D.C. or Disneyland?" said Vice President Dick Cheney to reporters during an impromptu press conference at George Washington University Hospital.

Admittedly impaired after yet another balloon valvuloplasty heart procedure, Cheney blasted the media and his political detractors for making, as he put it, "such a big deal about this Valerie Plame thing."

"This may be the Valium talking, but since when is political payback god**** newsworthy around here?" the vice-president said.

Cheney's words follow a rough political week in which the vice-president's chief-of-staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, was indicted on four criminal counts of false statements and perjury related to the leaking of Valerie Plame's covert CIA status to the media.

Members of the Bush administration, specifically Libby, Karl Rove, and, possibly, the vice president, himself, are suspected of deliberately sabotaging Plame's career to retaliate against her husband's (Ambassador Joe Wilson's) public critique of President Bush's rationale for the Iraq war.

"Nice dogs don't hunt," Cheney continued. "As Machiavelli wrote, 'they pull a knife, you pull a gun. They send one of yours to the hospital, you send one of theirs to the morgue. That's the Chicago way.'"

Informed by reporters that this was a Sean Connery line from the gangland classic "The Untouchables," not Machiavelli, Cheney scowled "I'll see you all in hell," and abruptly ended the press conference.

Reached for comment at the ninth hole of the Newport National Golf Club, President Bush, said, "Vice-president Cheney is one of the loyalist Americans, a talented patriot. A real personal friend."


©2005 zombieH

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Pete




Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Bush Morphs Into Monkey Before Stunned Press Corps. Doctors Blame New Primatial Influenza.



WASHINGTON, DC--In an astonishing turn of events, President Bush was struck by a new, highly virulent, primate flu while reading an afternoon statement to the Washington press corps.

Within seconds, the president transmogrified into a black and white colobus monkey. Reporters gasped. Photojournalists fired away.

"What?" Bush said.

Secret Service agents whisked the commander-in-chief away as the press corps erupted.

"I've never witnessed anything like it," said Helen Thomas, of Hearst News Service. "Though I had a poor vantage point, Bush suddenly sprouted fur and slumped a bit. He didn't appear to be in any pain, however."

After several minutes, a pale White House press secretary Scott McClellan came to the podium. "The president is okay," he announced. "He's resting. He's asked for fruit."

According to U.S. Health and Human Services secretary Mike Leavitt, Bush is the first American to be infected by H4N1 primatial influenza, e.g. the "monkey flu."

"We didn't even know [this flu] existed until last week," says Leavitt. "Like the rest of the world, we have been so busy preparing to battle the lethal avian influenza (bird flu), which could kill millions of American citizens, that this one slipped in under the door."

World Health Organization officials say that the monkey flu has astonishing symptoms, yet is not fatal and easily cured with a ready vaccine. "President Bush was quickly treated," says Dr. Margaret Chan, assistant director-general for communicable diseases. "Though he won't regain his human form for another 48 hours, he can go about his work day."

Chan warned that others may not be so fortunate. "Similar to the avian influenza, the U.S does not have enough monkey flu vaccines to treat a potential panemic in America. We're seriously scrambling, these days."

After a short rest, the president was back on his feet and on route to a closed-door budget strategy session with cabinet members.

"It's business as usual here," affirmed vice-president Dick Cheney, in transit.



©2005 zombieH

Townshend To Fuller


And now for a quick break from the usual news...

I call this image "Townshend To Fuller." I made it by experimenting with MorpfX to morph the images of Pete Townshend (circa 1982) and Rachel Fuller (2004). Then I cropped, polished, and further distorted in PowerPoint, iPhoto, and Adobe Photoshop. I find the final result to be strange and beautiful--everything done with no planning, no agenda.

btw, Townshend and Fuller, both musicians, are a romantic couple. They are also bloggers. To access, click on the links:

Rachel Fuller's Blog

Pete Townshend's Blog

I'm a writer, not a visual artist, so this project was a nice change of pace.

Apologies to the original photographers (and to the subjects themselves, what with their elegant faces).


©2005 zombieH

Friday, October 07, 2005

Pope Benedict Says New Gay Priests Are OK. Gay Priest Hopefuls Cry Foul.


THE VATICAN--Pope Benedict XVI now welcomes gay men into the priesthood if the candidates can prove they have been celibate for at least three years.

Additionally, gay candidates must not "publicly manifest their homosexuality" nor show an "overwhelming attraction" to homosexual culture."

Benedict's ruling went into effect yesterday. Already, openly gay candidates have voiced concerns.

"They're still not letting me in," claims one young man from New York City who requested anonymity. "I did the interview, jumped through all the hoops, really bared my soul. They still showed me the door."

The young man even presented his review panel with a signed, notarized statement from his boyfriend. "He verified that I didn't let him touch me for three whole years. [The panel] still demanded more evidence!"

The church rejected his application but welcomed him to reapply in a year.

Acknowledging the challenge of another 12 months of chastity, the young man expressed more concern about the third papal condition: i.e. not showing an "overwhelming attraction" to homosexual culture."

"I am not giving up my opera seats," he said.


©2005 zombieH

Monday, October 03, 2005

Roy's Walking Again. Alleged Mauler Grows Impatient.


LAS VEGAS - The return of Siegfried & Roy may be inevitable, for Roy Horn can now shuffle short distances without assistance from a rolling walker.

"The magic is back," says Roy, 61, two years after a white tiger mauled him during a performance at the Mirage Hotel. Horn's injuries included a damaged neck artery, a crushed windpipe, and partial paralysis on his left side.

"I meditate a lot, but I am constantly in pain. I'm trying to live with this."

Horn said he is comforted by visiting his animals every week - including Montecore, the white tiger that nearly killed him on stage.

The alleged mauler's attorney had strong words for Horn, however.

"My client rots away in his cell, with no official charges filed, no trial scheduled, no jury of his peers," says Walter F. Banks. "It's an international travesty."

Banks claims that Horn, indeed, visits Montecore every week, but the image of a gentle Roy communing with his tiger is deceptive.

"It's all PR," says Banks. "In reality, my client's in orange jumpsuit and shackles. He's forced to wear one of those Hannibal Lector face masks, too."

"Roy dangles a big turkey drumstick in front of his nose, then snatches it back when Montecore makes a move for it. It's awful."

In a prepared statement, the suspect mauler states, "Two years ago, I was a world-class entertainer who lived for the stage. Now I'm just another U.S. political prisoner, without rights, dignity, or due process."

"I'm deeply disappointed, to say the least. Roy Horn better hope I never get out of here."


(c)2005 zombieH