Florida Middle School Teacher Cops Plea for Sex with Student. Judge Gives Hell To 15-year-old "Stool Pigeon."

TAMPA, FL--Middle school teacher and model Debra Lafave was sentenced to three years of house arrest and ordered to register as a sex offender after she pled guilty to engaging in sexual relations with a 14-year old male pupil.

25-year old Lafave escaped prison after the minor's family, wishing to avoid an emotionally-scarring trial, accepted her attorney's 11th hour plea bargain offer.

Lafave, a self-professed unhappy newlywed, met her student-victim at a flag football game at school. She eventually had sex with him in the classroom, at her home and, on more than one occasion, in the back seat of a car driven by the victim's 15-year old cousin.

When the cousin told what he'd seen to his mother, Lafave was swiftly arrested, and the ensuing scandal rocked the Tampa community and the nation, at large.

In Tuesday's hearing, the judge sharply rebuked Lafave before prounouncing sentence, but he saved his harshest words for the victim's 15-year old cousin who first brought the matter to light.

"What's the matter with you?" barked the judge to the boy. "Didn't you get that Christmas had come early for your friend?"

The judge sentenced the surprised teenager to 100 hours of community service, but stipulated nothing easy "like planting flowers or sweeping up."

"I want you digging latrines!" he snapped.


copyright 2005 zombieH

Warren Beatty Keeps It In His Pants. Political Future Wide Open.

LOS ANGELES, CA--Warren Beatty recently informed his inner circle that he was serious about running for political office in 2006. The Oscar winning actor/director received enthusiastic feedback, in response.

Well, mostly enthusiastic.

A long-time friend had reservations. "I pulled Warren aside," says "X," speaking on the condition of anonymity, "and reminded him that he's shtuped every woman on the planet. That's serious baggage for a would-be governor."

Beatty was defensive, at first.

"He didn't want to hear it," says X. "He argued he had nurtured a respectable public image, that he'd been awarded a Kennedy Center medal, that he now gave commencement addresses."

X's response? "I just kept saying 'Clinton! Clinton! Clinton!' until he shut up. Then I told him the media would crucify him unless he figured out a way to keep the little commando in his pants."

Beatty reluctantly agreed, but he didn't know how to solve his problem. That's when PhalluStrict entered the picture.

Brand new to the U.S. market, PhalluStrict is an adaptable receptacle that attaches inside a man's inseam. A client simply inserts the source of his trouble into PhalluStrict's patent-pending vacuum-seal and he is securely, yet comfortably, fastened in place.

"Quite literally, he cannot get out of his pants," says PhalluStrict creator Dr. Richard Wherli. "That is, until the vacuum-seal is released at the end of the day by a digital password typically entrusted to an agreeable associate."

Beatty was skeptical at first, but when Dr. Wherli informed him that other high profile men were already clients, he agreed to try the product out. His wife Annette Bening was incredibly supportive, even volunteering to be his personal "password-keeper."

The results have been amazing.

"I've never seen Warren so focused," says "X." "The other night, I caught him chatting up a young, attractive MoveOn intern, but when I snooped a bit he was just analyzing political strategy. He didn't try to get her email address, phone number, nothing. It was extraordinary!"

Adds "X," "If I ever get serious about anything, I'll definitely invest in PhalluStrict!"


©2005 zombieH

Latrell Sprewell Can Finally Feed His Family

MINNEAPOLIS, MN--A year ago, NBA star Latrell "Spree" Sprewell rejected what he deemed a lowball $21 million, 3 year contract extension from the Minnesota Timberwolves. "I've got my family to feed," the 34-year old guard quipped to the media.

Sprewell's notorious remark set off a media firestorm. While some claimed he was misunderstood, most critics lambasted the 6' 5" guard, who was once suspended a year for choking his coach, as yet another obnoxious, overpaid, out-of-touch, professional athlete.

Not so, says Sprewell today. "I'd just never heard of Costco. That changed everything. Now I'd grab all that money [the Timberwolves] offered me in a heartbeat!"

According to Sprewell, it was Los Angeles Lakers' star Kobe Bryant who introduced him to the nation-wide discount superstore. "When Kobe thought he was going to jail last year, he downsized. That's when he hit on Costco. When me and him were coolin' it this summer he let me in on it."

Sprewell is excited by all that he can now afford. "I can buy a s***load at Costco. They got those Harry and David hams for 60 bucks, 2000 Clos Des Prince Bordeaux for just 30 a bottle, and prime rib eye for only 12 a pound. It's a bitch that the Gold Star Membership sets you back $45 a year, but that's the give and take."

Though a new NBA season commenced last week, Sprewell remains at home--an unrestricted free agent with no contract offers from other teams. According to Spree, this simply allows him the opportunity to discover other price-slashing enterprises. "Don't even get me started on this place called Wal-Mart," he says.


©2005 zombieH

COSTCO...from the cradle to the GRAVE